Tuesday December 27, 1938

Christmas is over, outwardly very quiet, inwardly constantly busy thinking. Saturday Mr. Storm told me a few things:

1. My movements fundamentally lyric, as a whole at present too lyric. A sameness has crept into my work. Feels I have great ability for the Dance but did not work hard enough.

Explanations on my part are many and could be even more —- Thinks my Pantomime great. —- One sympathetic person, one encouraging soul.  Any little dancing student received and still receives more encouragement than I do.  It is difficult to answer all these whys – One is the realization that there is more to the Dance than just moving – I think only to-day do I understand what dancing should mean and does and maybe now I am not a dancer anymore.

To think I have never given a Concert in America under favorable circumstances, this intense struggle for the work eliminated all thought about my self.  Our school has never been a profit, now it must become self supporting. Right now it is beginning to mean more than a school.

One student wrote: ‘Here’s for bolder and bolder flights’

Another: ‘The Cause is Great, the Woman greater, Anne Rudolph please take care of your health.’

All this show of love and thoughtfulness scares me, scares me terribly, after all these years of elbow pushing, now these returns.  Its difficult ground to travel on.  One is uneasy, will it last?

Mr. Storm did something the fighting spirit already kindled, is now blowing into a flame.

            I haven’t even the money for a pianist, should I rehearse and spend, when down here money is so badly needed. I will – I will work like I never have. —-

            When I think of all the labor and planning in this coming affair, I’d like to turn around and run, a funny sickening fear is in my body, but I know I will go through with it, regardless how difficult.  He told me to stop reviving but to use my rich imagination and do new things.  I can still see the flash in his eyes and hear the demanding authoritative voice: “I am intently interested in this Concert and want to see you dance.”

It sounded to me as if, through this Concert, he would know my very innermost self.  He is the first person demanding of me artistic endeavour through my very own self.

Had I met a person like that only earlier —– Then to-day, what?

Yes, I would have expressed myself but where would the Cause be? Yes, my mind wanders on and on.  And I think this was the right path

I am finding Patience, Time and Love, love to my fellow human beings and that is more important than all the accomplishments in the world.

            Finished A Yankee Saint. Took me into a rarefied atmosphere of Peace and Goodwill, now I am questioning, asking, wondering, strongly influenced by what I said, this book is a tremendous document. — Complex marriage male continence – Stirpiculture – Selection of parents – freedom of mate. This all in New England  – A community of frugal, active, respectable people, held to-gether by a brilliant mind.  —- What were they, Sheep or thinking people? What were their innermost thoughts, why did they do it?  They rebelled and were independent. I would like to have lived to see this Colony.

My mind, so set on developing one myself, I would like to know why so many were started, failed and a few are still in existence.  We have their experience to go by. —- But as advanced as this, I dare not even breath to myself. —- This man Noyes was great.

He has 3 kinds of Matings:

            Amativism – The Mating of a man and woman drawn to-gether, feeling they need each other to complete a full union both spiritually and physically That only this person can give.  As I understand it, completely for the two alone.

The second – The mating with procreation following.

The third – promiscuous Mating, base, vile, as ill fitting as masturbation.

That is the damnable one —-

He understands man and speaks his mind, he is right. —- How much serious damage could we avoid if instead of completely wanting to possess one person alone for your whole life, you were willing to share that person.  To share Howard would not be difficult, if I knew the person was worthy of him, would not damage him but help him.

He is wonderfully kind and lovely, I cannot completely absorb him.  I shouldn’t, he must have other people who love him also around, otherwise I will not be a help, but a detriment.  Often when I say “Well, when I am dead you must carry on,” he will say, “There’ll be no carrying on, I die with you.”  In the beginning, feeling as I did then, I was thrilled and willing to die together, to-day I am not.  —- Outside of this school the other purpose is to find a place for Howard.  He gives so much love and needs it in return.

I have felt for the last year, after the terrible experience with Hellmuth and Howard, a great widening in myself, a love for all people and that love must become great and rich, bigger as I grow older. I look up to Age — Not down.

But the infirmities of Age I do not want. —–

A very cold day.  Came down early, taught several students – I like this kind of weather.

Mrs. Barbers mother came in – gave her a treatment and in 30 min. rattling of shoulder joints had subsided.  Complained of constant pain, good looking body, Mrs Barber comes of good stock. —- I often feel like thrusting my head against a dark and heavy block – No knowledge of medicine – This makes me impatient and unhappy

If I knew more —I could scream for knowing so little.

Why did I move so slow in all my body work – There is a great thing going towards its solution.

Visible and invisible motion.

Very active movements.  Tempo inwardly.

What is the moderation in motion?

Why moderation? Why is it that there is one basic tempo and all the rest are variations? Moderato is the basic – How active can we be, without visibly showing it? See where we are sick, racked with fever, with pain, we feel like traveling in a whirlwind and are in reality barely moving.  Birth of a child — We are arrested and still moving.  All the greatest feelings are shown in physical Motion.  The climax death.

I based our work on slowness and discovered the missing link to body development.

All good things develop slowly.

There is a seed planted that is this work and me, we are still under the ground, but the earth is cracking and those who look will see, a plant will soon come up, but we found our place to plant the seed.  Glorious – We found our place. —–

To-day I was asked if This work was My Religion. I answered yes – if helping others is  a religion then this work is mine. —-

Also asked by this stranger who happened to see our window and came up, what I did to prevent death? I told him nothing, but that I did want to help premature death. —- What I did about the hereafter, I told him nothing, as I hadn’t found the solution yet. —-

I know I shall – Some day find also that. —–

In lecture, stress all the fine points of our work – Slowness, Continuity etc.  Also how each person must become his own teacher – to be a trustful leader, stress it distinctly and clearly. 7:30 P.M –  Miss Kagan came in and told me exactly the same thing Mr. Storm did, that I had so many possibilities but did not do enough about them – That she could weep over all the things I could do and did not.  That she learned a lesson, wants a new piece every month.  I told her that I was glad over what she said, that a sympathetic person was all one needed and wanted.  To think two people at one time who took interest in Anne Rudolph the Artist, I told her that my dancing to me to-day was that I had been given little morsels here and there, just enough to keep me alive, but decisions to live on, I kept going. That now we were all either going up together or down. —- That I don’t apologise for one single act, committed in hanging this work before the public, that to our critics I say “We do” and you?  What one single action do you know you did in service? —- So they believe I can dance —- That is worth something most assuredly to me, they will know that on that stage at the Goodman an assured young woman stands who knows what she wants and does it.  Behind me stand the hopes and the strength of a group.

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