Friday, December 30, 1938

3 P.M – Just received a letter from Papa, stating his sailing January 4 for Home.  It is so terrible, I cannot see him again, why all this living apart? — I wrote him a letter and am sending mothers pkg. to the boat, this way she will receive it. — I wired for an extra $100.00 – I had contacted the telegraph Co. then hung up, thought it better to fight it out, then to borrow.  On second thought though did send the wire. —- I weakened when I thought of all the work I had to do to get this Concert going.  All the internal and external effort.  So I hope I get it.  Fathers 200.00 certainly helped me these months.  What a triple hell it would have been without.  Just think, never even been able to support myself and I work all the time and am in a field of work so badly needed.

I see things to-day differently and know if you want something badly you try getting it.  If you don’t want it badly you try forgetting it. — I am convinced this is what is happening, one leads, the others are being led.  If one says things are still as they were, they are not – they are exactly different. In stating the very thing one wants to hear, we are showing out just the opposite.  They are not, therefore, honorable. Retreat is better than passive waiting, what will happen?

Honorable Retreat and strong action on certain plans.

Honorable Retreat and Strong Drive Forward – the plan for 1939.

——- 4 P.M. Just returned from the Post Office

Sitting here in the study, I feel before we leave this year I should write a few happy thoughts, I should be glad of so many things and really learn to be thankful of all the kindnesses shown me.

Have retained Old Friends, made many new.  The work has grown, I have grown

It’s snowing outside, gently the snowflakes are dancing their lively moods.  Robert playing the piano and the radiator buzzing accompaniment, it is close to twilight and in me I feel the quietness of the hour. —–

When I leave this valley of tears and isolation, may I have done my share.  May I have learned to understand the irrungen und wirrungen of myself to have been bäudigt and really not been too selfish —-

May I knowingly never hurt or harm a person, may I never do anything unkind and not be envious or selfish.

Now I shall set to work, sew, think plan and scheme. —-

To-day Mr. Gale told me unless my rent was completely paid, my lease could not be renewed.  How I should pay up all this next month, Heaven may know I don’t. —- But this makes me want to be more business like then ever.  I told the girls of the importance of making our Concert a Threefold success:  Artistically, Financially and Scientifically.

The last part of our First big Motion Choir was finished last night. —-

Now we will work on the Handel Suite.

Will have them named on the Posters Circulars – Even write what their purpose is and what we aim to do.

4.45 – Just had a call, came suddenly. Cannot make out many things.  But from shock recovering – gladness, no – but glad to know a sense of thought does prevail, helps matters glide into clearer waters.

Tuesday second rehearsal with Robert Wolf – Feel very bad about my dancing. Will leave right after evening class —–

Will not talk to Mr. Baumgarten, I am not sure he means sincerely yet and therefore witholds my utter confidence. An easy matter is to say ‘not here’ when he calls, but he would sense that, so should he come in on Tuesday I will leave earlier, that tells the story also and from there on, I will make a definite cut.  His Plan for everything is fine, but I believe not possible to be fulfilled and therefore I shall pleasantly withdraw, it is better to stay neutral and not be involved in things that are dynamite.  And many of his plans are dynamite. —-

It does good to write many words off your chest—Thats why I guess I scribble so much these days — No one to speak My innermost thought to —- and bursting, therefore I need some outlet. —-

”At the waters edge the women sat and wept

At the waterside the women sat and wept.

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