Tuesday December 20, 1938

It seems so many things are clarifying themselves and for what I suffered and wanted to force years ago, now it seems is becoming clearer to my mind.  So many things pertaining to this existence of ours, that I looked upon as set, as perfect, as finished are beginning to lose their power and necessity, seem ridiculous and frail.  And still all these laws of stupidity are, they maybe the best safeguards against our weak minds and spirits.  —

—–Sunday I couldn’t lose the thought of what did I know positively and I became frightened of the things I did not know. —- But the uncertainty of the many was a great contrast to the certainty of the little. —– One fills your being with the horror of the things one commits unknowingly and are harmful against the good one does knowing.

This knowing in my work has made me kinder, more tolerant, and instead of wanting to love one being, want to love the world.  I don’t need children of my own to express my love, that makes me selfish, when I see those little children come into the school a well of Happiness surges in me and no mother could feel more or want to do more for their children, nay, I may be better, there in loving all, I can balance and help these little ones.  Those mothers feed their children, fill them with their own stupidity, where as I learn from them how not do it and can give the children that what their mothers lack.  They come to me, put their little arms around me, there is love in their eyes, they would live with me, no we must learn to love everyone and everything and not put fences around what we term our property. —–

George is better and is up.  I hope he now will seriously adjust himself, at least make an effort to find himself.  I think I will try another way to help George, more patience and more love.

A book called The Yankee Soul was loaned today to me by Mr. Storm.  We have often spoken of forming a colony of people who feel and think alike.  —– Whereas my thoughts were on this for years, hazy and not very clear, he had already definite plans, to follow, could we find a group. —– But as much as I want to help build a colony I feel it must grow till it becomes a conviction.  Only recently have I become conscious of my place in life, that I am destined to be a leader.  Till now it may have been a feminine instinct that wanted to do things quietly, secondary, a sort of under cover existence, I shied from the thought of being in public —– Now I feel it growing in me, that I must take this leadership, it is needed and I see nowhere around me women or men willing to work for an active, very visible and strong cause, whereas many are willing to work if they have a leader.  So many things done down here prove to me that I must do it.  We do need a spiritual life As a young girl I read and read everything that came under my fingers: Shakespeare, Goethe, Schiller, Schleier Macher, Huder, Holduline, Heine, Rousseau, Pestalozzi, Nickelie, Selupeuhauer (not entirely sure of spellings of some names), history, biographies, war books, The Bible. I read for over a year about 23 times books on everything, I fussed and stormed over my poor memory, that could not remember so started to memorize, believing that was learning. Meeting men and women who were years older was a mania, I couldn’t stand young people around me, time spent with them was useless.  I couldn’t understand how they could waste their time with silly parlor games with laughing and joking, with girls shy and modest on the surface, where I knew how clever they were and what schemers they were alone, or boys how gentle and mannered when they were with “good girls”, but the servants that was different.  I lived a world of imagination, where I could not distinguish truth or reality from unreal, but that was unpardonable and I thought all older people honest and wise and therefore sought their company. ——

I have only read a few pages in this book and already feel a new world opening up, as I read I wonder if it would not be better to lay the book aside and not read, as to-day I want to know, when I do things, do I do them, feel as I do, from own observation and experience or have I been influenced? I don’t today want any more to find out about life and people through books.  Yes they are an expression but just as impossible as it is for me to put to paper all the intricate patterns and designs that form themselves in my mind, so is it impossible to write all, and I want more than that. —– When you are brought up to see the ultimate of love in one human being, then through circumstances this is not fulfilled, we call it sin, to go on to another because we are bound.  Oh these invisible cords are stronger than any visible ones —- and still I think it beautiful to live in a group where we are free to act, think, and feel. In a true community nothing is taken away, all remains.  I see this in my relationship to Howard, to my school, and to people. Years ago I could not touch people affectionately, I was repulsed.  Not man or woman.  I craved affection and love more than anything else in the world but could not show it.  A kiss from a woman nauseated me.  I fought this feeling off towards my mother and learned to kiss her as I believed it to be something lost not to do it.  Years later I did the same towards Father, never allowed anyone to touch me. Howard received the first voluntary kiss – Now I touch people show my affection, my esteem by a touch, I thought a great deal on this point.  It’s true nothing remains so part of one as a physical touch.  No gift is so lasting as the touch of an understanding being. With this touch I show my innermost feeling of wanting to be with this person of one thought.

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