Monday December 19, 1938

Spent a very quiet Sunday – read – slept – ate – went for a long walk with Howard, ate at Yonkers, came home, sewed on scarfs, George came over, played cards with Dr., did not feel well, we gave him hot water, even whiskey, I suspected hunger.  Later went to bed, thought all day continuously of my forthcoming recital and what I wanted to dance, thought of the body league and more and more it is becoming clear to me the need of such a movement.  What its members couldn’t all do!  We would have power of the polls, influence people, help make better places to live in and maybe help adjust human nature.  George left.  I had been reading Ibsen’s Lady by the Lake.  Thought of that, Howard came, we turned out light.  I couldn’t sleep.

At 1:30 bell rings – Helen is at door, highly excited, George very sick, Doctor there, must go to hospital.  H. lets her in, I dress, go to her house, speak to the Dr. (her stepfather). George does not want to go to hospital, I cannot help him, took what little money I have left to send Helen for medicine.  I am not sorry for him, only thought of mother and whatever I do for him is for her sake.  These 4 years here have not changed him.  Not a single attempt did he make to improve himself, a beggar who begs things together, pennies here and there, comes to me and knows how I slave.  I just will not give him anything anymore.  No self respect, actually is working on the W.P.A. Spends all in one week, hungers the next, completely irrational and then let others take care of him. To save him and help him gain respect for effort I must be hard.  Helene wanted me to telegraph father for funds, I won’t do it, let him do it.  Father hasn’t got it and let him go to the County Hospital.  He looks very run down.  Dr. thinks he has stomach ulcers, I think he has certainly abused his health. I took him home, put him on the couch, this morning he was up.  Well, Bernice can take care of him and if he isn’t any better, let him go to the hospital.  He’s too proud to be in a ward with others, but can beg his way around, certainly a peculiar form of pride.

If he would make one effort at being a useful human being.  This way I cannot be any more than considerate, he brought it on himself. He will not return home, he doesn’t do a worthwhile thing and could at least be a companion to mother, but no, he prefers this half dead, rotten existence.

Elleusolius’ [sp?] office called, want to know when they can get some money, told the girl I hadn’t “forgotten” or had “no time” as she presumed, but thought of it and just did not have it. I don’t forget any bills, I don’t forget one debt.  Nothing I do I remember as well as a debt I owe, no matter how long ago it may be and nothing is more important than to pay them and pay them I will.

Our classes are exceedingly small and payments are scarce.  This is to be expected, so I must do something.  Do something, yes, I know what should be done, but don’t do it.  I always find excuses for myself. Motion Choir was very beautiful on Saturday, it seems it’s getting to the finishing point.  The last section of the study is still very muddy, but when we have that, we are finished and can start something new. —–

Josephine is doing better or am I doing better, I guess I am very hard on people.  As far as her dancing goes, I am worried.  Her legs are still her weakest part.

Teaching was better this week.

Miss Vance is back.  Was hurt and offended over a chance remark made by Ray —- How delicate one must be in every way. ——-

Mr. Stomes – Father, 62 years old, in for a lesson.  Beautiful kept body, very youthful looking. Most flexible spine I have seen in years, showed him off to the girls, was thrilled.  Hope I was cautious enough.  ——

Children doing fine work.  Bodies changing – Ruth always new and interesting, most interesting student in improvisation in School

Esther for first time used whole body

June who was the dullest moving slowest witted girl we’ve had is showing marked mental and physical improvement. Annemarie is changed thats good

Ballet has harmed her a lot, but maybe we can still get it out of her system, she is inspired working I can see that. Jean Kissler very interesting to watch, has head on her shoulders, seems to be a person deigned to lead.

Curtains give workroom dramatic effect. —– Feel like on the stage. Piano tuned $2.50, reasonable and too much for us, but again to hear clear tunes is a relief.  How those keys jarred me, they made me ill. ——

Shall I practice Czerny. ——-

Presents will be few this year. —-

I would like to give all the time not once.  It is a travesty with the world at one on others throats is Held.

War in Spain still going on —– War in China continuing. Italy and Germany still on the Killer’s List.

Humanity has reached a new low in bestial butchery. Philosophy – science – Religion. Books written, men dying for their felt truths —- Where is there human active progress? —– We are so inexplicably stupid and low, there is no word base enough to give man as a race. —– We are rotten to the very core. And in this world where every being wants things for himself first and last, with this attitude how can we succeed in elevating man — Never —- and still we must believe there is hope and try for it.  But first in our selves be cleansed, then we are good.

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