11 A.M. I have neglected teaching lately and done more work in the study. Getting pictures in order, cataloging various matters. Especially notes and clippings and in going over them, new ideas come.
Last night Miss Ripton [sp?] told me of an individual that is worth noting. One of her fellow workers desired to come to our school, told her friend who is a sister to a ‘Gym teacher” who warned her from coming, stating we worked all in angles. This of course shows definitely a lack of knowledge of the work as nothing is done with the intention of creating an interesting surface appearance, and angles or any other kind of form is secondary to what we want to achieve.
This is a lie and gross misrepresentation of our work, but sooner or later this will come as we are criticizing standard rules and activities which is naturally researched. Even if this were the case, we still are the only private school making an attempt to help the individual understand how to guide himself. All around us we see the defeat of mankind brought about by human stupidity, I at least have never willfully abused or hurt one soul down here. That has been the most difficult task of all – to make people realize that fine bodywork is gentle, soft, deep, not obvious mechanical movements. I am now becoming more determined than ever, many new students come and want a “trial” lesson or “watch” as if they know what they need, but till I establish myself as an authority this will continue. I have not yet been able to work as I should but as I said to the girls, if I wait till we have perfect conditions, we’ll never get anywhere, because what we do to-day is the support for to-morrow.
When I think of Diana telling me two years ago that I lacked a system. When she a stupid ignorant unintelligent girl had done absolutely nothing in way of developing herself either mentally or physically, never contributed a worthy thing, paid no tuition, worried me and then telling me, who has been searching and questioning this work and myself all these years, suffered the darked home of my life, eating, drinking this work never away from it, I lacked a system. Whereas at that time I was already clearer and deeper in my approach then any other existing school I knew, Chicago exempt. Today I am just beginning to see how I want to build up my work. Yes, as a beginner I wanted everything orderly, well arranged, soon there I sensed the superficiality of this attempt and gave it up. And I was free to admit that yet I had no system but it’s coming, it’s coming.
The approach to the work is rapidly becoming understood by the lay students.
Last night went to Dance Concert given by Abraham Lincoln Brigade Bernice Holms, Leigh Lucatsky [sp?], Katherine Dunham, David Moll [sp?]. Bernice was a pitiful sight, with her theatrical approach, all eye on her audience, she was a ham dancer. Technically is a fine dancer, but I must question her mentality and her taste. And she means it. After working hard found her in her dressing room, intense heat, she sweating surrounded by her woman admirers smoking a cigarette. Lungs wide open to inhale this poison, surely a foolish girl. Congratulated Lucatsky also, met her in the corridor, looked like a little Jewish matron, charming sweet, not an artist, her work is very well rounded technically speaking but does not convey her subject strong enough, lacks emotional projection but still young enough. Katherine Dunham is a spotlight figure, charm, personality. All that but lacks technical finish, in themes where strong emotional appeal or feeling is necessary not yet there. Her Haitian Dances very very lovely.
Found Clara Zippin and Juanita Julien in her dressing room, all smoking, and chatting as if they belonged there. The door wide open, everyone could come in
This I certainly don’t like, opening my intimate behavior to all people, also this gushing and congratulating. I don’t like it, I do want to be alone, I usually feel very depressed and feel I did not do my best and then to be congratulated, no, I don’t like it. Yesterday brought a strong emotional reaction, result of Thursday – First Happy – Sad – Hurt. Hurt – Offended – Ridiculous – Stupid – Ugly – Resentful – Hurt. Indifferent – Cold – Detached – Hurt and these feelings changed from one to the other all day. Friday was felt there – Apology – Excuse – Hurt – Defended by me – and now – Indifferent. These feelings are all awful, but they help no matter how terrible to show you your fragile place.
12 A.M. Still writing. One more thing, the 100.00 Father gave me nearly gone, just think of it all this work, this salvation idea and the worry about finances, and the many months ahead, sometimes I grow so weak, all our time our thoughts our efforts are thrown into a state of severe tension by a holiday, an epidemic, hot or cold weather etc. Now the month nearly gone and all the bills that still have to be paid. Students stop, don’t call, don’t pay, it is my fault and this must change. Would like to arrange teacher’s courses for the summer, now is the time to get out attractive circular ads, I will do that now. And even have them for our February Concert. That’s an idea how will I do it?
Anne Rudolph 